I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
