A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
