My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i dont even know how to be here
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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