Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
