oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
