i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
