Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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