Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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