Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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