You were right. It hurts to walk today.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I am naked and annoyed.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
