I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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