my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
