those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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