I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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