I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
