just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
