I accidentally had phone sex last night
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
