Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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