Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
