I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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