so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
