I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I just threw up on my dentist
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
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my shit smells like andre
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
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So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
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