My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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