We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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