so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
