Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
