You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
