Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
