I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
