My friends, they love my intelligence
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
After last night, I could never be a politician.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
