apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He felt like a one man threesome
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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