i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Randomize
