Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
