When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
