her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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