There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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