why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
