I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
