Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
