i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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