if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
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Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
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I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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