It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
