I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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