Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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