i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
