Your face is a jimmy john
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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