I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm having to shit out rocks
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