Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
