He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you traded sex for a burrito?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
