yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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