My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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