I cut my penus on the lid.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
