sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
