Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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