new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
