So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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