Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
