FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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