Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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