I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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