How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
