I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
