Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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