My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
