It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
