dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
